Tillie Olivier (alonwimonster) wrote in uc_help,
Tillie Olivier
alonwimonster
uc_help

feeling dejected.

 I want a homebirth. More specifically I want an unassisted homebirth. I've done my research on the safety. I've attended a meeting on Neonatal Resuscitation. I'm cpr certified. I've read everything I can on preventing and addressing a postpartum hemorrage. I've sought prenatal care with a skilled midwife, and I haven't had a single issue this whole pregnancy (aside from GBS, which I'm working on with a garlic+echinacea regime). I am feeling strong and healthy and capable. I believe that my home is the safest and best place for my liilte one to be born. I also believe it is a healthier transition for my 2 year old son. It won't be like we "went out to the store" and brought home a new baby while he was at meme's house or something. I've advocated for myself as well as I can, have educated myself, my mate, and my mother on possible complications that would indicate the need for assistance. I've read and studied, and prepared, and meditated, and envisioned. 
And I'm getting so badgered and beaten down at every midwifery appointment I go to. "what if the baby dies? your husband would be so heartbroken your marriage would fall apart." "what if the baby was braindead, and it was something that happened because you weren't able to have fast enough access to medical care?" "could you live with yourself knowing that your choice contributed to your baby's death?" "What if you hemorrage, your husband doesn't know enough about uterine compression or uterine massage to keep you alive, how can you put that burden on him?" "you delivered your son here with us at the hospital and it was great, you even said so, why not just do that again?" etc etc. And now, with 2 weeks left to go, I am so exhausted with this. The "what if's" come creeping in sometimes. It's hard to accept responsibility for my own birth, but I've done so thus far. It's very difficult to stand up to a mate who is resisting because he is concerned for our safety. It's difficult to trust in birth when it really feels like no one trusts in me. It's difficult to sit across for a midwife that I respect while she tells me how afraid she is for me, and looks at me with "why would you do this to your baby" written across her face. I believe that home is the safest most natural place to birth. A home birth is my dream birth, and there is nothing that indicates that my baby will die or be horribly mangled by the birthing. I've delievered one beautiful healthy 8lb 12oz baby boy with absolutely no medical intervention (aside from being in a hospital) without a tear, scratch or complaint. Everything with my prenatal care indicates that this little one is growing beautifully. I'm 38.5 weeks along. And I feel like giving up, and consenting to dragging my laboring self into the L&D ward, waving my white flag of surrender. I've written up two birth plans, one outlining my intentions for a homebirth, and the variations that would cause me to go to a hospital. I have also written a plan for what I would want at a hospital (which more or less says, leave me alone and let me leave when I'm done. Thanks.) but I just don't know what to do anymore.
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